May is Arthritis Awareness Month. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you know that normally I spend the month working to raise awareness via my words and personal experiences. I have totally slacked off this year though. And I’m sorry for that.
I don’t have any excuses. Nothing major happened in my world. It has just been a rough month.
I’m working on my second novel right now. And for a while it was flowing great. Suddenly though I lost my focus. I feel like I’ve forgotten where I was going and what sort of message I was trying to tell. It was supposed to be a story about forgiveness. I got off track somewhere. I’m trying to get back into gear but my brain isn’t working. Normally when I’m stuck on my writing, reading helps me refocus. But lately nothing I read grips me and now I have a stack of started and not finished books. Hopefully I’ll get back to them. Right now though I need some fiction that will just pull me in and let my brain relax enough to slip back into storytelling mode. I’m trying Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance next. Fingers crossed that it will work.
I’ve also been struggling with some depression this month. That usually goes hand in hand with writing struggles. When you add off and on Rheumatoid Arthritis flares (thank you bipolar Texas weather) you get a funk that just clings to you. I slipped down to the Fort Worth area for a weekend with my best friend, K. The fun we had boosted me some but I’m still feeling dragged down. I was hoping to get some time with some close friends that don’t live 6 hours away but pretty much everyone is too busy with their own lives and hobbies. So I’ve been trying to boost myself up but it isn’t working.
When it comes down to it, I’m just tired. I’m tired of working all day in a job where, frankly, I have no future. I’m tired of putting in time in said job and then being too worn out to properly focus on my writing. I’m tired of having so much to do on the weekends – mostly chores around my property – that I can’t spend the weekend writing. I’m tired of the RA pain brain fog making it too hard to focus on writing – and making it too hard to even focus on reading a book. I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted.
I’m trying super hard to not complain. All my problems are nothing compared to what others go through. I’m praying things will change for the better soon. I’m working on getting myself set up to do freelance work in the hopes that I’ll be able to pay my bills with a combo of freelancing and writing someday soon. I’m keeping my focus on the Lord and trying to be who He wants me to be.
I guess you can consider this my big awareness post. When you’re battling a chronic illness day after day it is really easy to get overwhelmed by everything going on in your life. So be patient with people. And be kind. Life overwhelms everyone sooner or later. It is just harder to deal with it when your body is a dysfunctional cry baby.