I always tell people that living with a chronic illness forces you to redefine your normal over and over.
Life is teaching me that there are other things that can force you to do this too.
Things like losing your dad.
I’ll be honest. I’m not really okay right now. I have okay moments but overall, I’m not okay. It isn’t totally a grieving thing though. Before you think I’m a callous monster, let me say that I do miss my dad. Deeply. But I know where he is. He’s in Heaven and while I miss him, I wouldn’t ask him to give up Heaven for me. I’m excited to get to go there myself in the hopefully distant future.
No, my not-okay-ness comes for the aftermath of his passing. It’s triggered massive changes in my world and I can’t seem to get my feet under me. I can see solid ground but every time I feel like I’m getting closer I drop down into another valley that I have to climb out of.
I’m exhausted in every way you can be exhausted. I just want to get to that new normal already.
But I can’t. The ground just keeps dropping out from under me. Right now I’m trying to enact a major lifestyle change. I’m selling my house. Rehoming my horses. Moving into town. Making hard choices that are right for both my health and my future. I had a handle on things for a second. Then the horses’ new home fell through and now I’m scrambling to find another home for them.
Before I could get my feet under me after that, another blow came. My publisher is going out of business. That means the final book in my Rio Verde series won’t be coming out in August after all. I’m not sure when it will be coming out. I have to start over, shop the whole series around. Or self-publish.
I’m honestly too overwhelmed to know what to do. With anything. The plans I keep trying to make keep falling apart.
I think God is using this turbulent time to teach me about patience and trusting Him and probably more things I’m not even aware of. So I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to listen and trust. I’m trying to keep my eyes fixed on the horizon, on the sky. I’m trying to keep my faith and hope strong.
It’s so, so, so hard. But I’m going to keep trying.
PS: God gave me this rainbow last night. It gives me hope. Hope that all the falling apart, the falling down, is finally over.